I Want To Be Well

I Want To Be Well-Sufjan Stevens

So during that little chat we had on Tuesday, one point the speaker made- that suicide is for weak cowards and drunks- was, to me, shocking, inappropriate, and offensive. Suicide cannot be simplified to that. It can be the result of years of mental anguish at the hands of bullies. Death is no more appealing to people considering suicide than it is to people who are not. It just seems preferable to the life the individual is leading, which is incredibly sad.

Many people who commit suicide are mentally ill and it boggles my mind that someone would even begin to suggest that they are weak, irresponsible, or delusional. That’s just plain ignorant, even if it’s intended to be motivational. This attitude is the reason victims of bullying or mental illness often feel so stigmatized-the “it’s-your-problem-take-it-like-a-man-and-deal-with-it” mentality that many people have. But it’s not as black-and-white as that. There’s always a choice, yes, but if the pain of living is that unbearable, how can you blame someone when he or she ends it? People like Jack Kevorkian* get blasted for advocating doctor-assisted suicide for terminally ill patients, but I doubt the critics realize how degenerative and physically excruciating these diseases are, as opposed to being able to peacefully die after wrapping up all loose ends. Are people wrong in wanting that? It's a valid question to be pondered, and I think it's difficult for people to  think about the possibility of choosing the vast unknown of death over the ups and downs of life. It opens up a whole Pandora's Box of ethical dillemmas, too: should doctors help people commit suicide? Who has the right to even control that? Are there any other options for these people?

Suicide is not committed by the weak; it is committed by those who feel they have exhausted all other options. It is not when some drunk guy falls over the edge of a balcony. If someone who commits suicide has been drinking, chances are they were doing to work up the nerve. The speaker seemed to be suggesting that people get drunk and commit suicide for kicks and giggles. I'm just hazarding a guess here, but I don't think that's true. If more was done to help people prevent suicide by preventing bullying and diagnosing mental illness, we might have fewer suicides to worry about.

I just want to say that this post does not promote suicide, but neither does it dismiss it as a drunken idiot's solution to life's problems. It's heartbreaking for everyone involved, but isn't the unbearable pain some people have to live with equally terrible?

*Jack Kevorkian (1928-) is a doctor and proponent of doctor-assisted suicide. He advocates euthanasia in cases where the patient has no chance of survival, and a large chance of being in extreme pain. Kevorkian is also well-known for videotaping such an instance and sharing it on TV. He spent eight years in prison for second-degree homicide as a result of his actions.

To Travels and Trunks

To Travels and Trunks-Hey Marseilles

Last year, my family took a trip to England and France. It was, as expected, extremely stressful.

Being the history nerd I am, it was immensely gratifying to be able to finally see the places I had read about for years. My dad (who I take after quite a bit) and I would go to cathedrals and museums while my sisters and mom waited outside, complaining about how much time we could have spent shopping instead. They (my sisters, not my mom) failed to marvel at Gothic architecture, yawned at classic art ("It's really crowded by the Mona Lisa; we should just not bother."), and gave me annoyed looks when I tried to tell them more about D-Day. It should be said that my youngest sister was eight at the time, but still.

Unfortunately, this trip also required me to constantly accost random French strangers for directions and the like, which turned me into a nervous wreck by the end of the trip. I almost invariably chose women with children to ask for directions in the hopes that they would not laugh at me in front of their children. I don't know why I expected people to be that way-everyone was friendly and helpful-but I did. And like David Sedaris in Me Talk Pretty One Day, I went to great lengths to avoid grammar mistakes, sometimes ordering multiple units of food items so I wouldn't have to decide whether it was masculine or feminine.

This trip, though, confirmed my belief that people are simply not given enough credit. From the kind hotel manager to the hundreds of people gathering to witness the liberation of the Gurkhas*, everyone seemed to genuinely care about other people. Granted, we weren't visiting the worst parts of the big cities we went to, but we weren't visiting the best parts, either, and people were nice.

I'm trying not to sound like a pretentious snob, but it was a great trip in retrospect. Hopefully someday I'll be able to visit these places more in-depth, maybe even live there. It's a pipe dream for now, but there's always a chance...

*The Gurkhas are Nepalese soldiers who fight in the British army. They are a dedicated special unit and have fought with the likes of Prince Harry. Their training and base camp is near Folkestone, England; up until June 2009 the town was segregated. Also, they were unable to gain British citizenship until that time; before that they were simply deported back to Nepal after serving Britain. There was a ceremony going on the day we were in Folkestone, right outside our hotel. Nearly every Folkestone citizen had come to see the desegregation of the town-and they were all overjoyed.

My Girls

My Girls-Animal Collective

It's annoying how, when you're little, you don't remember things that end up being very important to you later in life. I, for example, wish I knew what my first words to my two best friends-we'll call them "Madison" and "Nolee"-were. Probably something stupid like, "Hi, my name is Katie", but still.

I actually really wish I knew that because our friendship was so puzzlingly random. Nolee was loud and opinionated, Madison was quiet and nice, and I was show-offy and weird. We were all in Mrs. Radtke's fourth-grade class, and by the end of the year we had become best friends. I suppose it was because we were all slightly eccentric: rather than, say, play tag at recess, we would pretend to be character from Little Women. Oftentimes, we would just walk around the playground, talking about our thoughts and problems.

Over the years, I have come to realize that I am blessed with two indispensable friends. We can exchange one look and know exactly what the other is thinking. We easily finish each other's sentences. The best part is that there's never been problems with two ganging up on another; it just seems to work. And somehow, even after seven years, we never run out of things to talk about.

We've been through a lot. Madison's fear of abuse, my fear of blood. Backing each other up in fights. Comforting each other about bombed tests and boy troubles and bullies. We've had to sacrifice sometimes, but our friendship has made up for it.

We're still as weird (in a good way) as ever-we like to just sit around and watch random TV shows. We have a series of codenames and symbols so we can talk freely about whatever we want without anyone knowing. In short, we've reached BFFL status.

Thanks, "Nolee" and "Madison" for always being there.

He Who Must Not Be Named

He's been in my life since I was six.
He taught me how to read.
He made me love books.
He was the reason I stayed up until four in the morning after waiting outside for six hours.
He's been there for me in times no one else was.
He's had the same struggles as anyone growing up has had.
He's an inspiration.
He's not real.

I'm talking, of course, about Harry James Potter.

I can't say I remember the first time I picked up a Harry Potter book. It was, I'd estimate, around August 2001, when my mom was on bedrest, pregnant with my little sister. She decided to read the Harry Potter books, and I assume I just took one and started reading. It may sound hokey, but that was one of the best decisions I've made.

Let me explain. If it weren't for the Harry Potter series, I'm not altogether confidant that I would be such a reader-and that's something that has opened countless doors for me. It inspired me to want to write. Some of my best friends have been made over this common interest. I can't really think of any other decision I made at the age of six that are still affecting me today. It's shaped who I am in some respects. I truly feel like I've grown up with Harry; to me he's more like a person than just a character in a book. And it extends to all the characters besides Harry-I bawled my eyes out when Dobby died, cheered Neville on as he stood up to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, boiled with rage as Umbridge belittled Hagrid.

I sometimes got a little carried away, though. Once, when we were eight, my friend and I tried to make flying broomsticks by rubbing lavendar on a couple of brooms. We were forced to stop after attempting to jump out of a tree. And in July before I was eleven, I still half-thought I might get a Hogwarts letter (I thought maybe they'd do some sort of foreign-exchange program). Reluctantly, I was forcd to admit that Hogwarts is not physically real.

Even so, it will always be a little bit real to me.

Thanks for all the awesome years, Harry.

God Hates _____

So. Religion. It's quite a polarizing topic. I'm not talking about the "Does God exist" debate, but the "Why do we need religion" debate. This is a fairly neutral subject for me for the following reasons:
Pros
-It brings people of the same faith together.
-It can provide hope for people in desperate situations, and thereby give them the resolve to go on.
-Religious organizations give away billions of dollars worth in charitable donations, such as food banks, homeless shelters, and volunteer time. 34% of US volunteers have a religious affiliation.
-Makes people feel as if life has meaning.
-Almost all religions preach tolerance and love.

Cons
-Religions with conflicting beliefs are often at odds.
-It is very difficult to seperate religion from politics and government.
-There is a lot of bias against followers of many religions because of misconceptions and extremists.
-Religions often impede the spread of new ideas.

For me, it seems as if the pros work best on a small scale, with the cons representing a whole. Religion can be extremely helpful for many individuals, but when applied  to a country, the extremists begin to crop up. Every religion has those. Here are some examples:

-Christianity-Westboro Baptist Church (though they don't cause any physical harm), the KKK
-Islam-Al-Quaeda
-Judaism-The Kahane Movement
-Hinduism-Suicide bombers

Of course there are more religions, but those are the most well-known cases of religious extremists to people in the US. The problem is, they cause everyone of that religion to be stigmatized. Why do many Americans hate Muslims? A tiny percentage of them are terrorists. It's easy to forget that Muslims in the Middle East often suffer just as much, if not more. And I can't think of a single Christian who would condone the actions of the WBC. Or the KKK, for that matter.

Religion has its ups and downs. The good can't be undermined just as the bad can't be overlooked. I have a feeling, though, that this discussion will never end.

Darkness

Darkness-Robert Francis

So today I was telling Tori and Emma about how the scariest thing to wake up to, apart from an axe murderer or finding yourself lit on fire, is a bat flapping around your room. I don't have a problem with bats, it's just that, at 3 a.m., it's extremely terrifying to hear a noise and see a huge black blur flying methodically around the ceiling. Extra scary points if there is no light and you have awful eyesight. When I woke up that night, I was not thinking clearly and turned on the light, which made the bat go into even more of a frenzy. I rolled out of bed and army-crawled so as not to get hit in the head by the bat (one of the only good things about having a small bedroom is that it takes very little time to crawl from your bed to the door). I ran out into the hallway and slammed the door, wide-eyed from my harrowing encounter with the bat.
But I wasn't really afraid of the bat. I was afraid because it was dark, I was near-blind, and there was this ghostlike thing flying around my room. There has to be some sort of symbolism in that, but who knows. You tell me.

To Kill A Mockingbird

To Kill A Mockingbird Theme

The other day I heard some girl in the hallway say (paraphrasing), "Ugh. We have to read To Kill A Mockingbird for English class. It's so stupid. There's, like, no point. They all talk weird and it's not even, like, good." I was appalled. The English nerd in me wanted to run up and give this girl a long lecture about how wrong that statement was. Even if I were bold enough to actually confront this girl, I thought-

What's the point? When I was a freshman I would argue with YouTube trolls for weeks about why the Holocaust most definitely happened. It was very clear that they were not going to change any more than I was. I have the tendency to argue ferociously on subjects I am passionate about, and will not stop until the argument has beaten into the ground and I am declared the winner. I doubt I have ever once actually changed someone's mind this way, only made them angry, uncomfortable, and exasperated.

I guess I just have trouble accepting the fact that, though I may indeed be right, other people are entitled to their opinions if it is not doing anyone physical harm. In a way, it makes me frustrated because I argue because I think I'm making a difference, making the world better by enlightening someone, when in reality it is just polarizing us more. If I were to have gone up to that girl and corrected her, she would probably have said, "Whatever. All of the people who like that book are opinionated losers who get all defensive," rather than, "Gee, thanks! I never thought of it that way! To Kill A Mockingbird is great!". It takes hands-on experience to truly change someone's mind. You can't beat stubbornness with stubbornness.

On a side note, I think I'm going to go to law school.

Best Imitation of Myself-Ben Folds Five

When we were in fourth grade, my three best friends and I were obsessed with Little Women. Or, rather, we were obsessed with figuring out which of the four March sisters we would be. I was Jo. We did the same thing with Mean Girls when we saw it (I was Cady), and with Ferris Bueller's Day Off (Cameron) and any other movie we watched from then on. I did the same thing in many different subjects: which animal I would be if I were one (a cat); which MyScene doll I would be (Chelsea); and which of my pets I would be (Ink the cat). I hope I'm not the only one who's ever done this. It just made everything so much more interesting, living vicariously through one of your alter-egoes. It's also easier when you're trying to find out who you are: "Hmm...I love books, I have brown hair. I'm sensible, reliable, and restrained. But I can still be funny and emotional...That would make me Hermione." Plus, if you were watching a movie with friends, it was almost like being able to gossip about them without actually hurting anyone's feelings ("Katie, I can't believe you just failed that math test to get Aaron to like you!"). But as fun as it is, it becomes hard to seperate yourself from whatever it is you're being compared to. I am not Cameron Frye, I am not Jo March or Cady Heron or Hermione Granger. I am Katie Clark, my own person.

From the Mouth of Gabriel

From the Mouth of Gabriel-Sufjan Stevens

It's no fun to be tricked.

When I first got an iPod three years ago, I vowed to never download any Christian music on it. All of the Christian rock I'd ever listened to sounded hokey and out-of-place. It all just sounded like Nickleback singing lyrics written by a televangelist with people holding candles and swaying and singing along.

Flash forward one year. I was on iTunes looking at Genius reccommendations and came across a musician named Sufjan Stevens. "Hmm," I thought. "That's a peculiar name." But I bought a song by him-"Chicago"-and it grew on me after a few days. Then I bought the whole album, then another album, and so on. I did some research about Sufjan Stevens and was slightly shocked.

Turns out I'd missed some serious clues alluding to the fact that Stevens is a devout Chrisitan...who sings mainly Christian music. I was torn: religious music had always made me feel uncomfortable, yet here I had been listening to it for a year, enjoying it and feeling totally at ease.

So I decided to go with it. It's not shoving religion in my face, it's exploring it, questioning it, marvelling at it. Not all the songs are like that, either. There are many songs that seem like APUSH set to music: Adlai Stevenson, the Lincoln-Douglas debates, the Columbian Exposition, Andrew Jackson, and more all make appearances. It's less religious than spiritual, which I like. I could relate to what we read in class about Lincoln: I can't always accept religion, but I am mesmerized by it.

For the first time, I am saying, "My second-favorite music is Christian and I'm proud!" And I can say this because I set aside preconceived notions for just long enough to open my mind to something out-of-the-ordinary.

Foux de Fafa

Foux de Fafa-Flight of the Conchords

Looking back, I think the most interesting class I've taken was French I. It was two years long...years that were equally filled with hilarious mishaps, excruciating embarassment, and grudging camraderie. For those of you who took French class, the following anecdotes will seem all too familiar...

-The air-conditioner. At least ten times a day, someone would cross the room and turn on the air-conditioner. Two minutes afterward, someone else would be obliged to go turn it off. It was incredibly disruptive for those of us sitting near the air-conditioner, but having to hold down your papers for fear of them blowing away really added that competitive edge.
-Mr. Frankmann. Need I say more? I don't think I've ever had a teacher who would stand up on students' desks as regularly as he did.
-Strange projects. A fashion show set to music. A puppet show starring ill-made puppets so angular they cut a student's hand. And let's not forget the countless skits.
-Penpals. I think French penpals are their own particular brand of weird ("I am wearing white trousers now.") One penpal that stands out in my memory was Marin, who wrote "I am a boy/ a girl." Ooookay.
-Last but not least, the Bon Voyage book and movies. They tastefully explored French culture with Manu, Vincent, Chloe, Christine, Amadou, and Madame LeGrande as our guides. As anyone who watched these videos knows, they are a masterpiece of French film. And who could forget that theme song?

Creep

Creep-Scala and Kolacny Choir


I know what your trip to New York was like.
I know your mom's maiden name. 
I know that you got your driver's license yesterday.
I know what you got on your last math test.
I know what you did last night.
I know when you got a haircut.
I know your cat's name.
I know your favorite line of your favorite movie.
I have honestly never met you.


Sounds pretty stalker-ish, right?


Thanks, Facebook.

A Case of You

A Case of You-Joni Mitchell

As anyone who has ever been to Canada knows, Canada is freakin awesome. They have nice people, maple candy, cool colorful money, and poutine (fries with cheese curds and gravy; the only real poutine can be found in Quebec). Canada has produced great musicians (Joni Mitchell, Neil Young), actors (Michael J. Fox!), and directors (James Cameron). Canada is both our best friend and a cheerful scapegoat. They don't mind-they know they've got it going on.

Actually, it seems that every other country is more interesting than America. What could normally be a mundane experience, such as going to the laundromat, becomes at least a hundred times better ("I'm at the laundromat...IN FRANCE!"). You could do something as simple as buy a pack of gum in another country, and it would be cooler than, say, going to the movies here. It's all about perspective. Most people like to go to new places because they're so exotic-or seem that way-that they make everything seem exciting and fresh. Even so, it's always nice to go home, because otherwise, faraway places will begin to seem boring. If nothing else, home is a control group upon which to base your expectations.

Redundant

Redundant-Green Day

People complain so much about the American school system. We should, theoretically, be ahead of all other countries given how fortunate we are to have so many resources at our disposal. But we're disproportionately far behind. American schools don't put enough emphasis on competitive subjects like math and science, instead choosing to review the American Revolution every other year.

I really don't like math and science. But I think if I was exposed to them more, I'd have to learn how to like them. If it were up to me, I'd just cut out math and science completely. Unfortunately, this seems to be the outlook of most American students; we ignore our problems in the hope that they'll go away, and then we fail math and hate it even more.

Now, I'm all for studying history, arts, and languages. They're essential to understanding ourselves the way science is essential to understanding the world around us. I just think they're too repeptitive. As much as I enjoy learning about the Constitiutional Convention, it has sort of lost its luster the fifth time around. This redundancy is inefficient for those who have the memory retention to be able to move on froma subject after the first time. The American school system has the potential to produce students who can hold their own against the best and brightest of other countries. We just have to rethink our priorities.

As Time Goes By

As Time Goes By-Frank Sinatra

Looking back at my old school pictures and home videos, I realized that my personality has not changed one bit since I was little. Of course now my behavior is a lot different-I would no longer steal someone's shoes at recess and chuck them over a hill any more than I would attempt alchemy-but I am still the same person I have always been. I've always had a short fuse and always will. I will always be a bit arrogant and hate being wrong. And once I love something-be it book, movie, or band-I am obsessed with it and will defend it tooth and nail.

It's so hard to change who you are, really. Your actions can be affected by your upbringing, but I think the basic themes of everyone's personality are independent of that. I guess I just like to think that my personality is not a result of anyone else's actions. If it is, my parents inadvertantly chose a strange combination of traits for me.

The way we were when we were little is probably the purest version of ourselves we will ever be. We were all unafraid to be ourselves up until middle school, a mean teacher, or peer pressure pounded that out of us. The trick is to be able to peel away the layers of cynicism and doubt and be who you are and always will be.